A Difficult Time

Sad Cat.

Blink, blink, blink. That cursor has been staring at me for about five minutes.

I don’t really know how to start this post so I’m just going to say hello. I know I haven’t been around much lately. I haven’t written about anything other than ebooks and discount codes and blog tours lately. The reason is, honestly, I’m exhausted. I’ve talked before about my depression, but I haven’t brought it up in a long time because I was doing so much better.

Then in March a switch was flipped. Spring is always hard for me because my first husband died in March and my mom died in April. So basically all of Spring (previously my favorite season) is ruined. It’s exhausting to walk around feeling so profoundly sad but having to pretend you’re ok. It’s been months now since I felt like myself, and it’s getting harder and harder to put on a happy face.

The thing about depression is you don’t even realized you’re depressed until you’re deeply depressed. It’s like the lobster in the boiling pot. Depression isn’t being thrown into a pot of boiling water. Depression is sitting in room temperature water and the heat increasing gradually. By the time you realize you’re being boiled it’s really hard to get out. And that’s where I am right now. The pot is boiling, I’m trying to lift myself out, but I keep falling back in. It has been that way ever since I lost my mom.

I’m sharing this with you now because A) admitting you are depressed is a great first step in getting better and B) so you’ll understand that what you see on the surface is not always the whole story. In fact it rarely is. You might look at my blog or my Instagram feed or my Facebook and think I am happy and loving life and I have it all together, but that is far from the truth. But who wants to display their saddest, ugliest moments on the internet?

I’ve been trying to get it together to make an appointment with my therapist, but I haven’t done it yet. But now I’ve written it and put it out there so I have to do it right? You guys keep me accountable. 

****EDITED TO ADD: I called, went to the therapist, saw my doctor, and now we have a plan. The Lord must have known I needed help today because my therapist and doctor both had holes in their schedule at noon. So for anyone who prayed, THANK YOU.



37 thoughts on “A Difficult Time

  1. Wow, you are so brave. You are a winner just taking this step in recognising and talking about it. So many people don’t. Please keep that courage and keep on your path to get help…pick up that phone!

  2. Big hugs to you. I periodically wake up and realize that I’m feeling heavy and sad all the time, and don’t know how I even got there. You’re right, you sink gradually. I hope you find joy!

  3. oh alida,
    I’m so, so sorry to hear this! and it’s true: looking at your blog, fb, instagram totally didn’t reveal this part of you. my mom has had depression for the last 15 years or so and there were phases that were extremly difficult for her and also for the whole family. i deeply feel with you and everyone that has to suffer this unbelievably hard illness. It’s difficult to always fake happiness while at the same time you are feeling so sad and down. Since some years my mum has now the right medication and feels SO much better. It’s so good to see her (and also my dad) enjoying life again, going outside, making day trips, and having so much more strength and fun! Please, please, get your guts together and make that call. You deserve better!
    Sending you my best wishes! Annika

  4. I wouldn’t have guessed, you’ve still been up to so much. I can’t relate exactly, but I do go in phases of feeling overwhelmed and down, and don’t feel okay until I’ve had some help from relatives or a change in environment. The hardest part is making the decision to do something about it, so hoping you feel better soon!

  5. I am so sorry to read you feel bad, Alida.
    It is so hard to not feel good and keep the daily family life going.
    Hope you will be better soon.
    Go and get this appointment!

  6. Im someone you dont know, but I am sending a hug. I’m in a deep struggle right now as well, & I know how hard it can be. And people who totally have their lives together are weird & boring anyway.

  7. I totally relate. I’ve been following your blog for a while, and (of course) I’d never have thought you’d suffer from depression. The lobster-picture is genius. I’m going to use it the next time I try to explain to someone about depression. Thanks for being so brave and talking about in on your blog – it’s so important for all of us out there who think they are all alone with this… huge thanks. I hope you find some relief really soon.
    Greetings from Austria, nina.

  8. Thank you so much for being brave enough to be open. It is so important to talk about sadness and depression. You aren’t alone in these feelings. I suffered postpartum depression after both of my children were born. Congratulations on moving forward.

  9. Honey, I am so glad you shared which was enough for you to make that call. I didn’t see this till now, but will put you in my prayers.
    Take care of you!

  10. You are amazing Alida. It’s always good to remember that we all try to put our best foot forward. I don’t talk much about our personal life at all on my blog, but there sure is a bunch of craziness going on over here. I’m so glad you got your appointments!

  11. Feel better, Alida! I have struggled with bouts of depression all my adult life. It stinks! It’s such a awful place to be. I hope you get the help you need. Tak care.

  12. The first step is always the hardest…I know from experience of this awful illness. I also know that you are now on the road to recovery…I do hope it’s a short and level pathway. Be kind to yourself…feel better soon.

  13. I am so proud of you for sharing this Alida. I am in your boat; 100%. Except mine is postpartum depression and it hit me like a ton of bricks after the “brand new baby fog” was gone. I am inspired by your honesty, and need to get mine under control too. <3

  14. my friend made me promise that the day she told me I was too deep, I HAD to make the call. I cried the day she told me to call the Dr., but I did call – because she loved me enough to recognize that the water was boiling when I couldn’t. Getting the right help doesn’t instantly flip the switch back, but it does help! Hugs!!!

  15. You’re not alone, sweetheart. I fall in and climb out of depression pretty regularly. Thank you for sharing yours. And thank you for getting help. We need the bright light that it You to keep shining.

  16. Thank you for sharing. I think it is so important for us all to face the realities of depression and as a community take care of each other. It is the only way we can get thru … together.

  17. Just seeing this. I’m so glad to see your update. Anything at all, please lmk. Thank you for sharing your experiences for those who need to know they’re not alone.

  18. Oh so sorry to hear Alida. Just take it one day at time and I think you are already on the right track. Just know you are not alone. Sending lots of hugs. xxx

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