Blink, blink, blink. That cursor has been staring at me for about five minutes.
I don’t really know how to start this post so I’m just going to say hello. I know I haven’t been around much lately. I haven’t written about anything other than ebooks and discount codes and blog tours lately. The reason is, honestly, I’m exhausted. I’ve talked before about my depression, but I haven’t brought it up in a long time because I was doing so much better.
Then in March a switch was flipped. Spring is always hard for me because my first husband died in March and my mom died in April. So basically all of Spring (previously my favorite season) is ruined. It’s exhausting to walk around feeling so profoundly sad but having to pretend you’re ok. It’s been months now since I felt like myself, and it’s getting harder and harder to put on a happy face.
The thing about depression is you don’t even realized you’re depressed until you’re deeply depressed. It’s like the lobster in the boiling pot. Depression isn’t being thrown into a pot of boiling water. Depression is sitting in room temperature water and the heat increasing gradually. By the time you realize you’re being boiled it’s really hard to get out. And that’s where I am right now. The pot is boiling, I’m trying to lift myself out, but I keep falling back in. It has been that way ever since I lost my mom.
I’m sharing this with you now because A) admitting you are depressed is a great first step in getting better and B) so you’ll understand that what you see on the surface is not always the whole story. In fact it rarely is. You might look at my blog or my Instagram feed or my Facebook and think I am happy and loving life and I have it all together, but that is far from the truth. But who wants to display their saddest, ugliest moments on the internet?
I’ve been trying to get it together to make an appointment with my therapist, but I haven’t done it yet. But now I’ve written it and put it out there so I have to do it right? You guys keep me accountable.
****EDITED TO ADD: I called, went to the therapist, saw my doctor, and now we have a plan. The Lord must have known I needed help today because my therapist and doctor both had holes in their schedule at noon. So for anyone who prayed, THANK YOU.